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** Disclaimer: This is not a normal Sunshine Maker Meg post! I am usually uber positive and striving to see the silver lining but this isn't as shiny and happy as my regular posts.**
As I sit here at my desk on this gorgeous sunshine filled Saturday, I feel more overwhelmed than normal. I want to go outside and enjoy this beautiful summer day but then I look down at my desk covered in what feels like a million things to do and I instantly feel an internal struggle. Do I go out and enjoy the day or do I stay in and get as much done as possible?? The funny thing is, I feel this way more often than not. In fact - I'm starting to wonder if I thrive on stress!? This might sound crazy but it's as if I cross 10 things off my to do list, feel accomplished for about 2 minutes and then add 20 more tasks to the list! Why do I do this?? I think I might be hitting some sort of quarter life crisis and while I hate HATE HATE the fact that I actually just came right out and labeled it, I think it applies...sort of.
There are so many incredibly wonderful things in my life but I still feel a bit lost and overwhelmed. When I really sit here and think about my life thus far, I feel so lucky to have what I have and not for one second do I not appreciate every person, every place and every thing that fills my life. I just feel like I'm letting the negative and the unknown get me down. It's as if all of my natural defenses are down and I can't seem to use them like I normally do. I'm letting stupid things that never bother me get to me in a way that I've never experienced before and not only am I upset by these "stupid things", I'm upset that I'm actually letting them bother me.
The lovely question "What am I doing with my life?" keeps floating around in my head. I chose not to finish college so the whole career path isn't exactly laid out for me the way I had originally planned. Because of that, I feel more pressure to figure out where to go from here. I am; however, extremely fortunate that I fell into the line of work that I did. I work at an animal hospital and every day I get to be part of an amazing process in helping animals (seeing the puppies and kittens every day is a pretty huge perk as well). But am I going to do that forever? I don't know. I want to pursue a career, maybe teach!? The problem there is that being a teacher involves going back to school and going back to school involves figuring out some sort of balance of my time as I work an hour away from where I live. I start to toss around ideas, get overwhelmed by the thought of change and I let the domino effect of thoughts consume me...Bad news bears!
Then there's that green paper, that necessary evil that we call money. Sometimes everything runs smoothly - bills get paid, there's money to spend, all is well. Other times it's not as easy - things come up such as car trouble or doctor visits and when that happens all is not so well. I support myself and I am proud of that but sometimes it's tough and when the tough finance stuff happens at the same time that the "what am I doing with my life?" question is in the forefront of my mind, I am thrown into quite the "uber funk". It all hits me harder than normal and then every other little negative thing piles up on top of me making it feel almost hard to breathe.
BY NO MEANS am I trying to sit here and whine and complain - I am simply stating the honest truth about where I am at and how I feel. But here's the deal - maybe this is my "quarter life crisis drama" right?! Maybe this is the negative crummy stuff that I'm dealing with but the truth is we all go though this in one way or another. We all go through these really tough times - sometimes a lot worse that what I'm experiencing in my little bubble. Each and every one of us goes through times where we question whether or not we are on the right path, doing the right thing, making the right decisions, etc etc etc. Knowing that, knowing that I am not alone makes it all okay. It brings me back to focus on the fact that this is just a phase and that this will just make me a stronger person. It will make me change the things that I don't like as scary as that change is and I will be more appreciative of what I have because of this stupid little funk that I am in.
I am perfectly fine, content and happy - I'm just fighting a few battles underneath it all but they are battles that I can handle and they are nothing compared to some of the battles that others have faced. I have a loving support system that surrounds me every day and I just need to keep "stumbling down my yellow brick road" figuring it out day by day.
What about you? Do you know what I mean by the "uber funk"? Have you fought these emotional, "let life get you down" kind of battles and come out stronger on the other side?
Side Note - I know I put a lot out there in this post but the truth is, I think there is something truly beautiful about being completely open and honest...
Lots of Love,
Meg
Labels: Life